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Two months ago I broke off my engagement to one of the most wonderful men I've ever met. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I'd like to give you all the details of the events that lead up to my decision to break, not only his heart, but my own, as well. Only problem is, my side of the story is flawed. It is only one side, and could never fairly portray both parties. I want to take a minute to apologize and explain. I've never had so much hope for my future as I did in the beginning of my life with Tyler. He has been the love of my life for so long, and I was so excited to finally be with him. He is sweet, kind, caring, silly, fun, thoughtful, trusting and trustworthy, honest, handsome... He's perfect. He's a worthy man. And everything I have always dreamed of marrying... But there is a problem I didn't really foresee. You see, I've been taught my whole life that you find a great man, a worthy man, and bonus if he's a returned missionary, and you marry them. As long as you are both living righteously, you will have a happy marriage. I've now been engaged to two WONDERFUL men, and I'm not marrying either of them. Why? They are both worthy, kind, and honorable returned missionaries. Both loved me. Both had families that loved me. Both fit well in my world. What I didn't account for, is how well they would fit with me. I've spent so long trying to find a sweet, worthy man, that I lost sight of how important compatibility is. Did I love both men? Yes, absolutely. Could I see a happy future with both of them? Yes, definitely. But I can see that with a lot of people. I wish I had been taught to find the man that compliments and challenges me. I wish I had been told my whole life to find a man who is kind and worthy, but who is also a great fit for me. I don't know how I missed it. I'm so difficult. I'm brash. I'm incredibly emotional, and sometimes unstable. I'm judgemental. I'm dominant. I'm bossy. I'm too honest. I change my mind constantly. I have hugely impossible dreams. I can't think before I speak. I only speak, feel and think in extremes. I'm difficult. As self-deprecating as this is going to sound, neither of the men I've been engaged to deserved to be stuck with me for eternity. They are too different from me. They would have a really hard time 'getting' me. My family can tell you, and will tell you, that I am going to need a very patient, dominant yet compromising, go-getter, almost crazy kind of man. I have no clue when I'll find him, and sometimes I think I might never find him. And maybe if I do, I'll be so flighty that I can't make the commitment anyway. But I know that I couldn't make those two men work with me forever. It would be exhausting for them. And for me. I am so blessed to have been loved by the men who loved me. Seriously, I worry every day that maybe I made the wrong choice. But at the same time, I know I didn't. There are a lot of things I would change. I wish I could go back. I wish I could do things differently. I wish I could take back all the things I said that I didn't mean to say. I wish I could heal the hearts I broke. I could try to place blame on a lot of people... But... At the end of each day I just pray and cry. I just feel suffocated by my guilt. I feel like I've broken people who didn't deserve to be broken. And I feel like I've lost myself, and I've lost my purpose. But I also feel like I'm trying to find myself and my purpose, and maybe that's why neither of them worked out.