Welcome to my nightmares...

Today was the worst day of my life. September 28, 2011 will forever be the day I lost the most important person in my world. My mother is gone. It's so surreal. I keep having to remind myself that I won't be able to hear her voice for a long while. I keep having to tell myself that she's not going to be able to hug me again for a long time. I have to keep convincing myself that she's not coming back.

All I want to do is crawl into a hole and lose myself. One quote keeps coming to my mind, and it's from Beauty and the Beast, "and [she] fell into despair..." That's how I feel: like depression and despair is all I'm capable of. My heart is broken. Shattered. My beautiful mother is gone. I'll never hear her tell me she loves me ever again. I'll never get to cry in her lap or listen to her sing. I'll never get to ask her if she approves of my future husband or shop for a wedding dress with her. I'll never see her meet, play with and spoil my children, her grandchildren. That seems to be all I can think of: all the things she won't be there for.

Now, you can tell me she'll be there all you want. "Heather, your mom will never leave you, because she'll always be in your heart, and she'll always be there supporting you," but let me tell you something... You're insane if you think that thought is ever going to be sufficient to keep me from feeling like she won't be there. The single most influential person in my world will never be able to hug me again in this life.

How do I bounce back from this? How do I get over something this tragic? How does anyone deal with this much anguish? Every part of my soul hurts.

I miss my mom. I miss her smell. I miss her voice. I miss her laugh. I miss her patience. I miss her stupid charts. I miss her smile. I miss how loved she made me feel. I miss our trips to the Alhambra. I miss her mission stories. I miss her fear of roaches. I miss how easy it was to embarrass her. I miss Mother/Daughter dates. I miss how she always knew just what to say. I miss how well she knew me. I miss my wonderful, beautiful, perfect mother.

The Plan of Salvation is the only thing that brings me any comfort at all. I just have to remember the power of eternal families. I know she's happier where she is. I'm sure she's quite busy. Getting everything ready for us and doing her missionary work all the while.

Mom,
I wish you were still here. I know that's probably not a good thing, but I do. I just want you to know I'm not mad. I'm not mad at you or at God. I'll try my best to be okay. I'll try my best to be as wonderful as you were, well, are. Not a day will go by that I don't miss you with every fiber of my being. Not a day will go by that I don't think of you. You are my mother. My guardian angel. I love you so much there aren't words. You're the greatest blessing I ever received.
I love you Mommy,
Heather