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Two months ago I broke off my engagement to one of the most wonderful men I've ever met. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I'd like to give you all the details of the events that lead up to my decision to break, not only his heart, but my own, as well. Only problem is, my side of the story is flawed. It is only one side, and could never fairly portray both parties. I want to take a minute to apologize and explain. I've never had so much hope for my future as I did in the beginning of my life with Tyler. He has been the love of my life for so long, and I was so excited to finally be with him. He is sweet, kind, caring, silly, fun, thoughtful, trusting and trustworthy, honest, handsome... He's perfect. He's a worthy man. And everything I have always dreamed of marrying... But there is a problem I didn't really foresee. You see, I've been taught my whole life that you find a great man, a worthy man, and bonus if he's a returned missionary, and you marry them. As long as you are both living righteously, you will have a happy marriage. I've now been engaged to two WONDERFUL men, and I'm not marrying either of them. Why? They are both worthy, kind, and honorable returned missionaries. Both loved me. Both had families that loved me. Both fit well in my world. What I didn't account for, is how well they would fit with me. I've spent so long trying to find a sweet, worthy man, that I lost sight of how important compatibility is. Did I love both men? Yes, absolutely. Could I see a happy future with both of them? Yes, definitely. But I can see that with a lot of people. I wish I had been taught to find the man that compliments and challenges me. I wish I had been told my whole life to find a man who is kind and worthy, but who is also a great fit for me. I don't know how I missed it. I'm so difficult. I'm brash. I'm incredibly emotional, and sometimes unstable. I'm judgemental. I'm dominant. I'm bossy. I'm too honest. I change my mind constantly. I have hugely impossible dreams. I can't think before I speak. I only speak, feel and think in extremes. I'm difficult. As self-deprecating as this is going to sound, neither of the men I've been engaged to deserved to be stuck with me for eternity. They are too different from me. They would have a really hard time 'getting' me. My family can tell you, and will tell you, that I am going to need a very patient, dominant yet compromising, go-getter, almost crazy kind of man. I have no clue when I'll find him, and sometimes I think I might never find him. And maybe if I do, I'll be so flighty that I can't make the commitment anyway. But I know that I couldn't make those two men work with me forever. It would be exhausting for them. And for me. I am so blessed to have been loved by the men who loved me. Seriously, I worry every day that maybe I made the wrong choice. But at the same time, I know I didn't. There are a lot of things I would change. I wish I could go back. I wish I could do things differently. I wish I could take back all the things I said that I didn't mean to say. I wish I could heal the hearts I broke. I could try to place blame on a lot of people... But... At the end of each day I just pray and cry. I just feel suffocated by my guilt. I feel like I've broken people who didn't deserve to be broken. And I feel like I've lost myself, and I've lost my purpose. But I also feel like I'm trying to find myself and my purpose, and maybe that's why neither of them worked out.

'Cause way down deep inside I've got a dream!

Recently I was asked what my dreams are. At first I just said being a mother, which is very very true, but it goes a little deeper than that, and I finally understand what they meant.

First, I want to serve a mission. I want to go out into the world for 18 months and teach every person that will listen about Christ and eternal families. I want everyone to have the joy I do. This gospel is true and it can change the world if we can get it to enough people. I want to get it to as many people as I can.

Second, I want to get married and be the best wife on the planet. I want to be perfect for him in every way possible. I want to be alluring and supportive. I want to give 100% as consistently as I can. I want to be "in it for the long haul." I want to be an example of what a successful marriage is.

Third, I want to be a foster mom. I want to bring in children that have been unloved and tossed aside and love them so much they don't know what to do with themselves. I want to show them there are good people in this world, people who love them, people who believe in them. I want to change their lives, their circumstances. I want them to feel like they have a place in this world. I want to love them forever as my own children. I want them to be happy. I want to make this world a better place one child at a time.

And after all is said and done, I want to serve another mission. Where I can continue to change the world with the gospel. Christ brings light, joy, and change.

This bitterly beautiful world we live in has so much potential. Why not do everything I can to help it reach its potential?

Welcome to my nightmares...

Today was the worst day of my life. September 28, 2011 will forever be the day I lost the most important person in my world. My mother is gone. It's so surreal. I keep having to remind myself that I won't be able to hear her voice for a long while. I keep having to tell myself that she's not going to be able to hug me again for a long time. I have to keep convincing myself that she's not coming back.

All I want to do is crawl into a hole and lose myself. One quote keeps coming to my mind, and it's from Beauty and the Beast, "and [she] fell into despair..." That's how I feel: like depression and despair is all I'm capable of. My heart is broken. Shattered. My beautiful mother is gone. I'll never hear her tell me she loves me ever again. I'll never get to cry in her lap or listen to her sing. I'll never get to ask her if she approves of my future husband or shop for a wedding dress with her. I'll never see her meet, play with and spoil my children, her grandchildren. That seems to be all I can think of: all the things she won't be there for.

Now, you can tell me she'll be there all you want. "Heather, your mom will never leave you, because she'll always be in your heart, and she'll always be there supporting you," but let me tell you something... You're insane if you think that thought is ever going to be sufficient to keep me from feeling like she won't be there. The single most influential person in my world will never be able to hug me again in this life.

How do I bounce back from this? How do I get over something this tragic? How does anyone deal with this much anguish? Every part of my soul hurts.

I miss my mom. I miss her smell. I miss her voice. I miss her laugh. I miss her patience. I miss her stupid charts. I miss her smile. I miss how loved she made me feel. I miss our trips to the Alhambra. I miss her mission stories. I miss her fear of roaches. I miss how easy it was to embarrass her. I miss Mother/Daughter dates. I miss how she always knew just what to say. I miss how well she knew me. I miss my wonderful, beautiful, perfect mother.

The Plan of Salvation is the only thing that brings me any comfort at all. I just have to remember the power of eternal families. I know she's happier where she is. I'm sure she's quite busy. Getting everything ready for us and doing her missionary work all the while.

Mom,
I wish you were still here. I know that's probably not a good thing, but I do. I just want you to know I'm not mad. I'm not mad at you or at God. I'll try my best to be okay. I'll try my best to be as wonderful as you were, well, are. Not a day will go by that I don't miss you with every fiber of my being. Not a day will go by that I don't think of you. You are my mother. My guardian angel. I love you so much there aren't words. You're the greatest blessing I ever received.
I love you Mommy,
Heather

Testimony

So, I read, the other day, that we should all add our testimonies to our various websites. I think it's a great idea, so here I go.


The Book of Mormon: It is the source of light in a world of darkness. It is a completely true book containing doctrines that support the Bible. It is exactly what it claims to be, that is, another testament of Jesus Christ. When I read the stories found in its pages I lose the worries of the world. I feel joy and peace. I can come closer to Christ in my study of it. It is the most wonderful book this world has been ever been blessed with. It is the keystone of our church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It proves everything we teach is correct as long as you prayerfully read it and pray to know it's true. I've done just that, and got my answer. There isn't anything I'm more grateful for in the world than the gospel, and I wouldn't have it if it weren't for this wonderful book.

Family, my everything.

Okay, so in my first blog post I told you I'd be telling about the inspiring people in my life... Those people are the single most important thing in the world to me. My family.



Harvey Moss, my Daddy. He is the best man I know. He is also the smartest. He and I are so similar. We're both so stubborn, and opinionated. We both have a hard time keeping our mouths shut. He's the funniest person I know. People say he's intimidating, but he's not, really. He's a big teddy bear. He expects the best out of us, which has helped push us all. Sometimes he can be a bit inconsiderate, but that just comes with the not-keeping-our-mouths-shut problem. He's almost always right. He is wonderfully infuriating. He makes me feel special and loved. I can always count on him. He has been a wonderful example to me of what a man should be. I'm a daddy's girl through and through.

Debra Moss, my Mommy. She easily wins the BEST MOM AWARD. Seven kids. Dentist visits, calling home from school, supporting Daddy, doctor bills, school projects, summer breaks, hurt feelings, huge smiles, broken hearts, shopping, eating, and loving loving loving. My mother has done it all. With a smile on her face. Always. She is the mother I aspire to be. The perfect balance of lovey dovey and discipline. She is the best listener I've ever known. She, like my father, has always pushed us to be great. No one could mother us like she does. She is truly amazing.

Rachel Holman, my big sister. Where do I even begin with Rachel? Maybe I should begin with the scar on my shoulder (yeah, Rach, I bet you just laughed)... Rachel, the girl I always wanted to be. The perfect person, in my eyes. Now, I'm sure she wasn't as perfect in her own mind, but to me, she's still the perfect person. My clearest memories of Rachel are the ones of her dressing me up. You see, Rachel had to wait a long while before she finally got a little sister to play with, and by the time I came along, she was too old to play normally with me. Instead, she dressed me. Like a living barbie doll. She'd do my hair and make-up and put me in dresses. Man, I remember thinking she was the best thing in the whole world, and I wanted to be JUST LIKE HER. I still think that. She's caring and supportive. She's just the right amount of bossy, too. She's married to the most perfect addition to the family we could have asked for, Tim Holman, and together they've given me the cutest nieces to ever walk this Earth. They are magnificant examples to me.

David Moss, my big brother. Now, David and I started out rocky. Our entire childhood we couldn't stand each other. I honestly don't know why, but we did. We were always fighting. He was always mad at me, and I at him. So many doors slammed on his end and tears on mine. What I remember most clearly, though, is always wanting him to love me. Wanting nothing more than to impress him. In any way I could. It didn't work until I hit middle school. That is when he and I became like two peas in a pod. We started actually doing things together. I mean, I'm really not sure how we went so long without each other, because once we became "friends" (and I put that in quotation marks because, obviously, we're siblings) we were inseperable. He was always asking for my opinion on stuff, and taking me places. He FINALLY loved me. It was better than I ever hoped for. He is the perfect oldest brother. Protective, yet supportive. Funny and serious. He is married to my wonderful sister-in-law, Bekah, and they are too cute for words. I love them both so much there aren't words.

Aaron Moss, my other big brother. My Ephraim Twin. My better half. My love for Aaron is indescribable. We're only 17 months apart in age, and as such we have always been together. My oblivious, smart, funny, go-with-the-flow Aaron. So amazingly naive, but not. He's the perfect complement to me, and I to him. There was never a moment when Aaron and I weren't best friends. He is... Aaron. I don't know what to say about him. There aren't words for how I feel about him. It upsets me that I can't tell you wonderful things about him... But they just wouldn't come out good enough. Just thinking about how much he means to me makes me tear up. I love him so much.

Sarah Moss, my little sister. The better version of me. Perfection. She is bossy as all get out, and has the worst temper out of all of us. But I wouldn't change anything about her. Sarah is the person I wish I could be. She makes everything look easy, even though I know it isn't. She is the hardest worker I've ever known, and has more drive than anyone. She's so smart and so pretty. She's crazy and fun. She's my little sister. My heart fills with joy and pride every time I look at her.

Michael Moss, the little brother. Supposed to be annoying, right? Instead, he's just funny. And adorable. And sheltered. He wants to be like the older ones. Not in an act-older kind of way. More like, he wants to end up like us. He's active, and unfocused. He's very much like Aaron in personality. Just goes with the flow. He doesn't fight (unless it's in video games). He does not get angry quickly. He's very patient. He wants to understand everything. He is the best little brother I could have ever asked for.

Danielle Moss, the littlest. She is my mini me. It is almost scary how well I know her. And it isn't because I spend a lot of time with her. It is quite simply because she and I have the same brain. She's emotional, just like me. And it is both a strength and a weakness. She feels left out a lot, because she's the youngest, but we all love her. There isn't anything I'd change about my spectacular little sister. She is my sunlight. I need her to feel loved and safe all the time. I need to protect her. She's my heart.

My family. My world. My existence. They hold me together.

My Heart's Duet

"Dear Knight in Shining Armor,

My name is Heather, and I’m waiting for you. I know you’re out there. I know you exist. I know you’ll be perfect for me. You’ll love me just the way I am, that is, brash and impatient. You’ll never think of leaving me. We will be each others’ halves to a whole. Quite literally, we will complete each other.
I’m sorry I’m so impatient, and I’m having such a hard time waiting for you. Sorry I’m looking for you everywhere I go. I just don’t want to miss you.
I look forward to the day that you come into my life. I look forward to the day that I find someone to love me forever, just the way I am. I will relish in the feelings of completely delirious happiness. I can’t wait until I have you as my forever best friend. My companion through all life’s trials.
I am going to make sure I’m ready for you when you come. I’ll be everything you need, and everything you want. I await the day that we will go to the temple and be sealed together forever. I love you already, I just don’t know you yet.
I’d say to hurry up and find me, but I’m not sure I’m ready yet. I want to be perfect for you in every way. Please know that I’m waiting, and that I’m very excited to find you. I can’t wait to be swept of my feet.

Love, Heather"

Oh, It is Love

The past week has been one of way too much reflection, and this is what I've come up with:

LOVE.

There are a million different types of love, and a million different levels of each.

For instance:

Strangers: Not knowing someone, but still caring that they are happy, and that they have what they need to survive and even thrive. And an understanding that we are all in this together, whether we know you personally or not.

Enemies: Even though we dislike some people, some how they enter our heart. It doesn't matter what they do or who they are, we cannot help but feel for them.

Parent to child: Now, I've never felt this love before, but i can imagine it feels something like fiercely protective and full of wonder. Completely unselfish. Accomplished. Amazed. And SO much more.

Child to Mother: The type of love a child has for their mother would be filled with gratitude and appreciation for everything mothers do for them. It would be a need for the woman who understands and loves them more than anything else in the world. A need for the complete love a mother has for her child. A feeling of security.

Child to Father: Also appreciation, but in a different way. A love for a father is love for being and feeling protected. Knowing that no one can really hurt you if he's there. A love for the solid advice that a child can choose to accept or not, but knowing it's out of love regardless.

Siblings: A sense of FIERCE loyalty and protection. A friend when you need one, and a punching bag any other time. Someone who will always be there. No matter what.

Friends: Very similar to sibling with the fierce loyalty aspect, as well as the protection aspect. But it has something else. Something extra. It is a fresh look, an unbiased opinion. A love that isn't tainted by blood relations. An honest concern for their well-being, and not just their happiness.

And here's the one I've been thinking most about...

Significant Others: President Hinckley describes true love as "anxious concern for someone's well-being," which I completely agree with. However, I'd like to add a few other feelings or words to this. I once heard that love is electric, like, there must be something there, a feeling, any time a touch is felt or a kiss is shared. There must be a feeling of not being able to breathe without that person, of knowing that you'd be clueless without them. They fill your soul in ways you cannot really comprehend or describe.

Sometimes...
people say the word "love" without clarifying which kind they feel. And in the end, that misunderstanding is what hurts. It doesn't take two to love. Sometimes you feel love for someone who doesn't feel love back.

So.
Let's all take the time to think about how we feel about others before we use that word. And if we then decide to use the word, let's make sure we use it in the right sense. Let's understand the love we try so desperately to spread around.

The Thing I'm looking forward to most!

So, there are a few things i have to look forward to in the next few months: summer break, EFY, family vacation, and...

"Dear Heather:

Congratulations! You have been admitted to Brigham Young University to begin Fall 2011. Through your preparation and personal achievements you have distinguished yourself from a very strong group of applicants. We believe you will make a positive contribution to the BYU community. It is a great pleasure to welcome you to our campus to pursue your educational goals. To be eligible to continue to future semesters, you must register for and complete this semester or term.

To secure your admissions slot, it is essential for you to read the Frequently Asked Questions link below and follow the instructions in Question 1 to accept your admission opportunity. This link will also provide you with important information regarding scholarships, housing, financial aid, etc.

We encourage you to maintain the standards outlined in the University Honor Code. We look forward to having you on campus.

Warmest regards,

R. Kirk Strong
Director of Admission Services"

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to start this new chapter in my life. Utah is the place the Lord wants me, and I couldn't be happier about it. At first, I was scared out of my mind, because I'd be going out there alone. But now I have a few people who make it less scary.

Meet Michael, Lyndzie, and Karrah(:

Michael Waldorf: He's my BYUBFF. I originally started talking to him just to hear about BYU, since that's where he is, but somewhere along the way he became one of my best friends. I guess all that talk about meal plans and apartments we bonded. Hah! Now, I am more scared of losing him than anything else in the world.

Lyndzie Frey: Well, at first we thought she wasn't coming to Utah. But she is now! And while she won't be down the street like Michael will, she'll be only 30 minutes away from me! I'm so excited that my best friend in the entire world is coming with me to the happiest place on Earth!

Karrah Waldorf: Now, Karrah is new to this Utah plan, but I couldn't be happier! I'm so excited that my adopted sister is going to be in Utah with me! I love her SO much! Too much! And I'm glad I don't have to leave her in Georgia, because I need her!

So, those three people are the only three people I'd choose to take out there with me (besides my family), and they are coming and/or going to be there! I couldn't be luckier or happier! Utah is going to be the best thing I ever do! (:

Okay, my turn this time.

So there is this girl i know... And she's literally the most wonderful person i've ever met. I had to go through a lot to get her, but i'd go through it a hundred more times if i had to...

This is Lyndzie Faye Frey. She is my own personal angel. Someone told me recently that God sends us angels when we can't do something on our own. I guess when He realized i was having a hard time just surviving on my own it was time to give me Lyndzie.

Most people don't really know Lyndzie. I'd say she is one of the most misunderstood people i've ever known. But that is by choice. You have to fight for Lyndzie. She has to know you aren't going to every hurt her before she'll open up. But once she does, you'll never know a truer soul.

She is my light. She helped me more than even she knows. She fought for me, and i for her. At the beginning of our friendship i don't think either one of us realized we would get to where we are now, that is, inseperable.

People often ask how she and i ever became friends when we're so different, but my reply is always the same: we were meant for each other, both of us were made special to complement the other, no we're not the same, actually we are quite different, but we have what the other lacks, and we pick up each other's slack.

She makes me believe that people really are made for each other. I really do believe that she and i were friends in heaven before we came here.

I also believe that when you work for something it makes it that much better in the end, and that's what my friendship with Lyndzie is. I had to work for it. She wouldn't have let me in if i didn't. And i wouldn't have expected her to.

She seems to be under the impression i only THINK she's awesome, but she's wrong. Because i know. I KNOW she's spectacular.

She's not your cookie-cutter girl. And she's not the-girl-next-door either. She's special. She's one-of-a-kind. She's the epitome of fire. From her red hair to her sarcastic personality. I'm like a piece of metal, i'm capable of being warmed by her, not destroyed. Everything i know about Lyndzie is challenged pretty regularly. She keeps me on my toes.

I was the most selfish person on the planet until Lyndzie came into my life. And suddenly, i felt human. It was about giving and taking. And that's us. We give and we take.

She has been so instructive, and she doesn't even know it.

I had to watch as she went through some truly horrific feelings, and every day i prayed and begged that God could give it to me instead. I've never told her that... I guess she'll know now thought. But seriously, i used to pray every night that I could take it from her. I wished i could be the one to feel her pain instead of her. All i wanted in the world is to know she was comforted, and felt peace, and i was willing to do anything to get her to that point. Even take on way more than i could have handled, if it meant she could be free of her pain.

She tries really hard to be strong. And she is. She's one of the strongest people i've ever known, but she doesn't always need to be. She seems to think that you always have to be strong, that you always have to deal with things on your own, but you don't. That's what i learned from Lyndzie. I learned that i'm not alone. I'm never alone. She will always be there for me.

It took me a long time to understand how Lyndzie loves... And then one night it hit me... She loves completely. There is no "ehhhh" with her. When she loves you, she will be fiercly loyal to you. Always. When you let her down, she will be crushed. Destroyed. Because she puts all her faith in the people she lets in, and rightly so, because they have to go through a lot with her to get there.

I wish that i could be more like her sometimes. There are a lot of things i envy about her. But then i think about the opposites i have, and i realize that i can't, because we work perfectly just the way we are. There is not a single thing i would change. Not a single thing.

Anytime someone even attempts to tell me who she is or how she is, i want to punch them. Because they don't know. They can't and won't see how wonderful she really is because they don't deserve to know.

There are very few things that have ever made me happier than my friendship with Lyndzie, and i'd daresay there isn't anything...

She will be my best friend forever.

Who I think I am.

Okay, so here we go, my first blog post. I figure i'll start with the basics. My name is Heather Moss. I'm 20 years old, and my birthday is in March. I'm a die-hard Aries to a T. Outgoing, loud, confident, fun-loving, and proactive. Well, most days.

My dad grew up jewish, and as such has developed those typical jewish qualities. I'm a spitting image of my father. I can't think before i speak. My filter has HUGE holes. I think everyone can handle criticism, and i'm full of it. I like being the boss, and that is very apparent in how i act. I've got too much personality. Usually too much for other people to handle, which is why most people only pretend to like me. Which is fine, because the friends i do have are the most real and wonderful friends on the entire planet.

I spend my life working, going to school, and hanging out with my best friend, Lyndzie. Also, i do a lot of church stuff. You see, i'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, more commonly known as mormons. Yes, i'm a mormon. And i love it.

I like to think i'm kind, thoughtful, and helpful, but if i'm being honest... I'm probably not any of those things...

I feel a million emotions at once, and i can identify every single one of them. I've struggled with depression for a long time. My therapist used to tell me my heart is too big.

I fight a battle inside my heart every minute of every day. I constantly have to tell myself i'm okay. I have to remind myself i'm special, even when i don't always believe it. However, when i don't believe the good things i force my brain to think about myself, i have wonderful people in my life who will do anything in their power to remind me and show me. I'll tell you about them at a later date.

I love writing. I have no clue why i waited so long to join this blogging phenomena. Writing helps me feel better. I like to know i can write down everything i'm feeling. And share it with others if i choose. Like this.

So here are the things i like about myself (now that the crazy serious stuff is over): I smile a lot, i think i'm pretty, I'm tall and skinny, i have an in-your-face personality that i can't change, and i am very protective of the people i love.

Here are the things i'm not too fond of: I'm horribly impatient, i'm insecure, i wear my emotions on my sleeves, i cry a lot, and i get hurt too easily.

I spend my days thinking about people. I love people. I love being around other people. I'm terrified of being alone. I can't sleep without noise. I sleep holding onto something (small pillow, stuffed animal, etc.). My dreams are incredibly vivid. I have nightmares a lot. I always read my scriptures before i go to sleep. I always pray too. I feel empty if i don't.

I like to play Nazi Zombies when i have down-time. I also love to read and watch movies. I spend way too much time watching TV. Criminal Minds is my favorite show ever! I also watch Project Runway, ANTM, Pretty Little Liars, Glee, Cake Boss (and any other cake decorating shows), and a million more.

I've found a new obsession. I spend long periods of time on lds.org reading old conference talks and looking things up.

I am a firm believer in light. No matter how much darkness there is, light will always scare it away. Because light and dark cannot dwell together. Sometimes, you have to walk a long time without a light... But it's there. At the end. It'll be there. Waiting for you.

I spend a lot of time going through life thinking to myself, "Okay, i'm almost there, i'm almost happy. It's JUST over this hill. Oh, maybe not... Okay, THIS HILL. Oh rats, wrong again. Okay, THIS HILL FOR SURE!" Obviously, it isn't going to happen that way. I'm not just going to run into happiness. It's not going to be a location. I have no doubt that i'm capable of attaining it some day, but that won't be here. I'll come close sometimes, and it'll be taken from me sometimes, but that's just how mortal life goes. Now i can strive for it, though. I can take steps every day to remind myself that it's very possible to feel happy. Easy even.

I'm grateful for the people in my life that help me remember to smile every day. The people that make my life special and give it meaning. The people who help me breathe. They, along with the gospel i've been blessed with, help me exist. They give me strength.

I guess, that's all for now. I think you've probably heard QUITE enough. This turned into a very odd post. I'm not sure what to even think about it. But there it is.